A Heart Broken Moon
a poem of love and suffering
One AM winks at me from the bed side clock. I recalibrate my comfort and contemplate the soft grey wall. my mind deliciously empty. Strange how the brain forgets. But I remember.
I remember the decades. The rest-less nights. The aching legs. The gut crushing guilt. The weight of shame at my throat. The relentless litany of everything I ever did wrong Or could have should have. I remember the mongrel dog that hounded me into the desert. Picking my way through the snakes. Saltbush stealing my tears. I remember the helpers. Those who offered water that helped. Those who offered placards that didn’t. Those who fled. But mostly I remember you.
I remember you. A heart broken moon who held my hope in your arms, and refused to carry me. I remember the years that revealed the abundance out there. As the guilt healed to gratitude. My heart filled. My mind stilled. My tears returned. And that mangy sniggering dog skulked back into the shadows. And the hope you held bounded out to throw open the gates to a vast ecology of love. I never knew was mine.
Note: This poem emerged out of my experience of what we called depression. Both as my own suffering but the suffering of those seeking mental health services and the suffering of those with and around us. The sheer agony and the extraordinary possibility of hope.